Raising My Three And Me

The unfiltered thoughts and happenings of a married SAHM


How I’m Changing My Life This Year

I will change my entire life by the end of the year just by doing these six things.

I was never the type of person who went with the crowd. I didn’t like the things the other kids liked and I was always shaky when others would look at me a little too long. Chalk it up to anxiety, or childhood trauma – or, maybe it was the fear of judgment or the agitation of having to keep up with my peers.

I can’t remember a time that I was ever truly happy, and that little fact is hard for me to type and even harder to admit to myself. I don’t think anybody ever wants to admit that they’re absolutely miserable.

But I am miserable and I have been for a really long time.

That’s why I’m going to be committing to working on myself this year and by the end of December, I swear my life is going to be different. No matter how much I shift, this will be a top priority.

Trigger Warning: Suicide is briefly mentioned in this blog post. Reader discretion is advised.

Photo by Jacqueline Munguía on Unsplash

Happiness is one of the easiest things to be, but the hardest to achieve. Do you want to know why? Maybe it’s because we are wanting the next best thing, maybe we are full of anger or regret, maybe we are always too busy chasing money.

One of the hardest truths I have ever learned: happiness is a choice.

Sure, there are going to be factors that get in the way of this process. Perhaps there are external factors (such as the pandemic, or a job loss, or the death of a loved one), but there are also internal factors like your depression is back, or you are feeling scared, or you are just not happy.

There are people who have all of the money in the world and they are still so depressed; some celebrities even commit suicide. There are people on the other side of the spectrum, that are bedridden, or given the news that they have a certain amount of time left to live who are the happiest people in the world.

Don’t tell me that happiness isn’t a choice because it is. The problem is that it is not an easy choice to make. Life fucking sucks and the worst part is that there is nothing you can do about it.

But, what if I told you that there is.

Nobody likes to hear that they have the power to change their lives. I know that I struggled with it for the longest time. Hell, I’m writing this blog post and I still feel awkward. I have been writing and deleting this for the past week.

With toxic positivity and hustle culture being shoved down our throats, and people who are dangling your dream life in front of you constantly – it’s so damn hard. It’s hard not to feel down about yourself, or angry at the rest of the world. Like, what the hell, I’m a good person – or try my best to be, why am I struggling with being happy?

Don’t buy into this mindset. You have the ability to make this choice now.

“Do I want to live like this for the rest of my life?”

If the answer is not a “yes” then it’s time to write down what you do want to do. Nobody’s answer is wrong unless it’s to hurt other people. You need to literally sit down and write out a list of things that you want to do with life. Do you want to work from home? Do you want to sell everything and live abroad? Do you want to pursue a passion? Do you want to break up with the person who is weighing you down? Do you want to quit the job that is draining you every single day? Do you want to spend more time with your kids? Do you want to apologize to the person you hurt?

Raising My Three and Me presents… how I’m changing my life in a year.

Before I get started on the post, I just wanted to give a warm welcome to any new readers and acknowledge my supporters! Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to read my blog post. If this is your first time here, I write about parenting, personal growth, and productivity! If this sounds interesting, or you like my blog, you should subscribe, follow, or bookmark this page for later! If you’ve been here before, thank you for returning!

Okay, time to go back to the content!

Write it on the list, reader, and then I want you to narrow that list down until you only have what you will truly regret on your deathbed.

Photo by Hybrid on Unsplash

Then I want you to promise to yourself that you are going to change your life and do so TODAY. It’s not a crime to be happy. It’s not a crime to live differently than others. It’s not a crime to decide that you are going to change things.

The kicker? Nobody is going to come to give you permission. Nobody is going to save you. Nobody is in charge of changing your life: you are. You need to be brave enough to choose to live how you want to live. You need to be brave, Reader, because no matter who you are – I believe that everybody deserves to heal and be happy.

Here is my list:

I want to actually become a writer.

Writing is what I’m meant to do. I’m not the perfect blogger or writer. I know that my grammar needs to be fixed and I need to start caring about the process of editing. I just don’t feel like I have the time. I put so many time restrictions on myself, and it drives me insane. When everything is a priority, nothing gets done, and that can have such a huge negative impact. I launched this blog last month, it’s probably my eighth attempt at blogging, and it sucks starting from scratch. I don’t like looking stupid, or finicky. I don’t like having to schedule time away from my family to work on it. I don’t even want to get started with my hatred for marketing and social media.

But then I wonder: if I don’t do those things, how am I ever going to become a writer?

I could put in all of the hours that other bloggers and writers do. I could treat it like a “real job” – I could spend extra money on advertisers and others to do the messy work for me. But there is so much work to blogging and add having to shift who you are to get clicks. It’s so tiring.

Writing a book is a lot of fun. I wrote my first book in 2020 and it will never see the light of day. I haven’t shared it with my husband and I trust him more than I trust anybody. I want to write another one this year. Again, I get in my own way. I struggle with putting in the time to do it. I hate wasting my time. It’s my biggest pet peeve.

How am I ever going to make money when I’m not liked, I’m ugly, and if I will have another shitty thing happen to my family, causing me to delete everything on a whim?

Spoiler alert: it’s not that hard to be a writer.

I already am a writer.

Will I ever make money? I already have achieved something. A friend I went to high school with made a donation to my blog. I didn’t even think she liked me. I met her through my ex-boyfriend. I still remember the day I met her after school and I gave her some money for the vending machine. She was also an ex of the guy I lost my virginity to. I was jealous of her during that time. I thought she hated me now. But she was the first to like my writing enough that she not only checked it out but donated me more money than I ever thought I would get. It was a small amount to her, but to me, it served as so much more. It gave me validation. It gave me a spark of happiness.

Yet, I forget that. She was so kind to do that for me. I don’t want to lose sight of that again.

If something I love can’t pay the bills, maybe I need to change the bills to be happy.

By the end of the year I’m going to complete the following goals:

  1. Identify my barriers for blogging and writing in general.
  2. Finish writing at least one more book.
  3. Share my book with others.
  4. Send my book in to publishing companies and celebrate with every rejection.
  5. Find a writing group.
  6. Create a writing routine.
  7. Share my writing.
  8. Call myself a writer.
  9. Write every single weekday.
  10. Publish at least a blog post per week.

I want to build better relationships with the people around me.

Relationships are hard for me. I don’t like putting in the effort to keep things going; it’s honestly a miracle that my husband and I have a relationship. I burn bridges with the matches I carry on my back, protecting me from ever being hurt again. My voice shakes whenever I confront somebody. I contemplate begging for relationships, even disregarding my own boundaries.

I have never been more proud of my personal growth journey, but also have never been more alone in my life. I hate that people hate me. I worry about what people think of me. I worry that other opinions will take away the conversations I have with my husband. I fear that my daughters will have to recover from their childhoods.

The only family that I have that talks to me now are my parents and I know that they are getting older. I’m afraid of losing them. I panic whenever I look at the clock to see my area code displayed because whenever I noticed it before, people that I knew died.

Perhaps I should stop mourning past relationships and realize that I’m not going to have the same relationship back; that a relationship takes the willingness to be wrong and overcome that. My family has always felt off for me. I can’t force my family or friends to cut ties with family members who hurt me. I can’t protect them from the same pain. I can’t make my family see my worth. I can’t shrink my boundaries and needs to help others anymore. I will always love my family members, they just don’t treat me how I need to be treated, and it says a lot more about my family members for being okay with continuously hurting me on special (and painful) moments for me, but to also cut me out effortlessly.

I can grieve this. I can grieve that I don’t have the family I thought that I had.

But, I can also come to peace with that is how they are and I don’t have to put up with it. Sometimes people cut you out because they knew you would cut them out. Sometimes when you feel like it’s your loss, you realize that it is better for you.

But it does not make it hurt any less.

As someone who is highly family-oriented, this pain is hard for me. It’s hard to be left out. It’s hard to learn that family isn’t necessarily the people you are born into, but the family that chooses and values you. It’s not uncomfortable and it’s not selfish.

From this moment on, I’m going to work on the following goals by the end of the year to consider it a success:

  1. Write a unsent letter to family members who have hurt me in the past.
  2. Plan a vow renewel.
  3. Identify what kind of wife that I want to be, become that person.
  4. Identify what kind of mother I want to be, become that person.
  5. Write a letter, or have a deep conversation, with my parents before it’s too late.
  6. Text my brother and tell him how much I love him.
  7. Find friends that I have a healthy relationship with.

I want to learn how to become a better reader.

Reading is something that goes hand-in-hand with becoming a writer. In order to be a great writer, the best piece of advice is to read. I love reading. I have fond memories of curling up in the sun, with my nose in a book. The problem is that I struggle with keeping focused. Even with writing my blog posts, I’m doing 23 other things. I have found myself feeling embarrassed about not being able to read a certain amount of books.

If you’re liking my blog, then why not subscribe by entering your email address in the box? It’s free and really helps me with statistics. You will only receive an email when I upload something new. I never sell or distribute your information.

A hobby as great as reading shouldn’t be a competitive thing. I find myself getting caught up in comparisons and feeling mortified that I struggle with getting through a book. I force myself to read books that I wasn’t enjoying and found myself in a massive reading slump.

This year, I’m going to be changing that.

By the end of the year, it will be a success if I complete the following goals.

  1. Delete my Goodreads account – maybe create a new one.
  2. Research how to become a better reader.
  3. Learn what my reading speed is.
  4. Declutter my books.
  5. Work reading into my daily schedule and show up like it’s an appointment.
  6. Try a reading challenge.
  7. Read to mark my success, not feel like a failure. This means “I have read x amount of books this year”, not “I have to read x amount of books this year.”

I want to become better with stress management.

Stress is a huge trigger for me. Unfortunately, whenever I’m triggered, I get aggressive. I’m definitely a “fight” in the Fight vs. Flight situation. I don’t like this about myself.

The best way to get better at this, which I definitely need to do, is to start by finding healthier ways to manage stress.

This will be a success if I:

  • Learn coping mechanisms for stress.
  • Get on stronger meds to help with mood enhancements.
  • Learn how to be easy on myself.
  • FInd a better work-life balance.

Get my physical space in order.

This is a no-brainer – I definitely need to get my physical space in order. After all, a clear space is a clear mind. I have been consumed with a lot of clutter and recently declutter our kids’ bedroom. However, there is still a lot of work ahead of us. I feel as though we are throwing stuff from one corner to another, it’s pretty overwhelming, but I know that it will all be worth it when things get to a better point.

Going from messy to minimal is a process! I do plan on having a mini-series here on my blog on the journey. In fact, I already have the experience of decluttering their room in the works for a future blog post.

The ultimate dream is to start the process of moving because I really don’t like this area. Like our old apartment, I now feel unsafe living here, have issues with the neighbors, and the neighborhood is full of vandalism and nastiness.

I just want a better place for my girls.

I feel a lot of anger for this, but we are going to make the most of it. It’s not where we are, it’s who we are with.

I have to really remember that.

I will count this one success if I reach the following goals:

  1. Declutter all areas of the apartment.
  2. Schedule in certain dates where we have decluttering sessions.
  3. Get smarter with shopping.
  4. Finally open savings accounts for the kids.
  5. Ask for contributions to the kids’ bank accounts instead of gifts.

Evolve into a better version of myself.

This may seem like a redundant and obvious thing to say, but the overall focus of this year is personal growth. I need to get my life together, in order to do that, I need to go back to basics.

Here are some (painfully obvious) goals that I have for the year in order to count this area a success.

  1. Try ten different things.
  2. Identify and face four fears or discomforts.
  3. Share my story.
  4. Try six challenges (7-30 day durations)
  5. Create a routine for my family.
  6. Truly live in the present: “overcome” trauma from my past and stop worrying about the future.

Conclusion:

It’s really hard to be able to realize how easy it is to become the best version of yourself. It’s even harder to put in the work, time, and effort that it takes to change.

I urge you to make that first step, to make that decision, it’s time, Reader – it’s time for you to choose your own journey.

I’m ready to change my life. I’m tired of hiding and being so miserable. I’m ready to start working towards choosing happiness.

Are you?

Thank you for reading and see you next time!

NOW IT’S YOUR TURN

Choose one or more of the choices below!

  1. Reply to this post. Did it speak to you? Did I forget to add something? Whatever it is, make sure you’re being kind!
  2. Like this post (it’s the star at the bottom that says “like”) to let me know to write more content like this!
  3. Subscribe to my blog to be notified when I upload something new. You can do this with the box under “Subscribe” in this post! You will be the FIRST to be notified when I upload something new. Remember, there are no newsletters and I will never sell or distribute your information. Check out my policies for more information. You can also Follow my blog with your WordPress account!
  4. Reach out to personally let me know if you liked my blog, or with some ideas on future blog post ideas!
  5. Follow my social media accounts. I have Pinterest  Instagram, and Twitter!
  6. Share this post with someone you think will enjoy it.
  7. Donate! Head over to my About page or on my sidebar!

Don’t go just yet! Here is some more great content hand-picked for you!

Subscribe to my blog with your email address below in order to be notified when I upload something new.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: