Raising My Three And Me

The unfiltered thoughts and happenings of a married SAHM


From Sabotage To Self-Love

Habits can make or break a person, which one do you choose?

I have recently found myself on rock bottom and have slowly started to see the fog lift around me; feeling like the aftermath of a natural disaster and I’m left looking around at the wreckage. Hitting rock bottom serves a lot of different purposes: but the biggest one to me has to be having to look at yourself in the mirror.

There comes a point where you have to pick up the pieces, pull yourself up off the floor, and make the decision that it’s time to feel a bit better. Sure, this isn’t always an easy thing, I definitely get it, but after a lot of reflecting on my thoughts, I realized that if I want my life to change, I have to make the changes needed.

Which brings me to my blog post! I’m going to cover ten of my bad habits and my ideas on how to solve them!

Photo by Prophsee Journals on Unsplash

Raising My Three and Me presents… from sabotage to self-love.

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Firstly, what is a bad habit?

A habit is a pattern of behavior that is often done subconsciously.

There are “good” habits like journaling your thoughts, meditation, drinking water, and planning your day. But there are also “bad” habits such as complaining, sleeping all day, and mindless scrolling.

How long does it take to form new habits or break bad ones?

Upon researching this, I ended up on an article on Science Alert by Signe Dean where it was deemed a myth based on a book called “Psycho-Cybernetics” by Maxwell Maltz that the average time to break a habit was 21 days; basing this thought on patients from plastic surgery upon accepting what they now look like. That’s so crazy that I never heard that before!

Turns out, this isn’t accurate. A study was done by researchers in the University College London where the researchers studied 96 participants over a span of 12 weeks and discovered that the average to form a habit was 66 days but varied from 18-254 days!

You should definitely go and check out the article that was posted because it’s such an interesting read!

As for breaking habits? It was said to take even longer than that. That’s not even including addictions!

If you’re looking for a way to start changing your habits or forming new ones – I highly recommend a habit tracker! Habit trackers are created by writing down the number of days you want to try it for, jot down the habit (or habits), and check off every time you complete it. Let me know if you want a blog post to see what my habits are.

Without further ado – here is my list of ten habits!

Talking badly about myself:

This truly became a huge eye-opener when I hear my 6-year-old talk about herself. It really made me realize just how much my daughters are looking to me on how to think and talk about themselves. That’s a big kick into reality.

Talking badly about myself is not only unhealthy for me, but the three little sponges watching my every move.

My solution to this is to not only correct my daughter with what she is thinking about herself but be more mindful of what I’m thinking and saying about myself; regardless of if my kids can hear it. Whether this is through affirmations, journaling, or therapy, I want to look at myself and see a strong, beautiful, and happy person.

Comparing myself to others:

Similar to talking badly about myself, I find myself comparing myself to other people a lot. I’m frantically worried about not being good enough to be a blogger, freelance writer, mother, gamer, wife, and person in general.

This mindset probably stems from being compared to other girls while in school. Why couldn’t I look like “x” or why did my ex leave me to be with “y” or what do these people have that I don’t?

When it comes to writing, I worry that my writing will never compare to others. I wonder what gives me the right to think that I’m good enough to make a career out of it. I see all of these beautiful, talented, and well-respected writers in the community and I wonder why I’m struggling to get off the ground.

But I don’t want to compare myself to other people (as individuals or as writers) because they are not my competition, they are my community. No matter what I do I will never be those people, but that’s because I have my own style, my own voice, my own talent – and that’s more than good enough.

The solution to this habit is to remember that they are not the enemy, they are not better than me, they are more experienced. I cannot compare my beginning to their middle. I want to continue to learn about marketing, content writing, and freelancing. I want to remember that my journey is my own path.

Not taking care of myself:

Taking care of yourself is super important. You hear the growth gurus mention how to take care of yourself and the powers of self-care. I’m also someone who advocates for it in your personal growth journey. It’s not always easy to do this, though, especially when you have depression and anxiety. I have both.

Whenever I find myself at rock bottom, I severely struggle with the basic duties of caring for myself. Things like trimming my nails, washing my hair, shaving, brushing my teeth, and hair – all of those things become harder for me.

The only thing that I don’t struggle with is making sure I have my showers. Showers not only keep my body clean but help soothe my sore muscles, energize me to get through the rest of the day, and improve my mood a little bit.

But lately, I have been really struggling on taking care of myself: physically and mentally.

The solution that I have planned for this is to create a tracker for these basic things: eating healthier, taking care of my body, remembering to take my antidepressants, and drinking less caffeine. I would also love to find an exercise and sleeping routine that would help improve my well-being.

Not being able to follow through with ideas:

You probably don’t know this, but I have definitely had my fair share of blogs that failed. Part of this is because of safety reasons, the other is because I just lost passion for the name and decided it was better to start all over again than to adjust it.

When you’re a creative person, like me, there are a lot of ideas that flood your brain. It can be overwhelming when you have no idea which route to go. I follow my heart a lot and when my heart isn’t in something, or I find something that looks better, I drop what I’m doing and run for that. Or worse: overwhelm myself with too many ideas at once.

The solution to working on this habit is to find things (other than my husband and motherhood) to commit to. Maybe that means getting something as crazy as my first tattoo, or just picking one major goal and only work towards that. I also desperately need to learn to stop multitasking on everything. I used to think the ability to do this was great, but it’s starting to hurt me more than help.

Letting anxiety control my life:

I suffer from severe anxiety and have for as long as I can remember. What others wouldn’t think twice about (getting a job, driving, walking outside, cooking, opening the windows) – I get severely anxious.

Photo by Carli Jeen on Unsplash

Anxiety isn’t an easy thing to overcome – I doubt there will ever be a period of my life where I can tackle things without counting, doing breathing exercises, or having a meltdown in the shower.

But, I don’t want my anxiety to hold me back anymore. If I want to try something, I want to be able to do it. If I need help, I want to be able to ask for it. I don’t want to just hide in bed for the rest of my life.

The solution to this, write down a list of what makes me anxious, make a plan to face those discomforts and fears, and take control over my life again.

Waiting for the perfect time to be happy:

We hear and say it all of the time: I will be happy when (insert thing you feel is preventing your happiness here) happens. So often we are pushed to check off certain things and then once we get it, we have a quick congratulations and pushed on to the next thing that is sure to make us happy and successful in life.

I find myself saying “When the kids are older, then we can be happy”, or “when we move out of this horrible apartment, then we can be happy.” or “when taxes come in, then we can be happy!”

This will continue going on forever if you’re never finding things in your everyday life. The solution I have about fixing this habit is to stop waiting around for something first and just leap forward into the unknown ahead of me.

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Not having a healthy work-life balance:

Since making the decision to take my dream career as a writer a bit more seriously, I have realized how much time I have been putting into it. With all of the distractions I have around me, it can be hard to get into a habit of prioritizing my writing. I find that balancing work and life is challenging for me. I have been a stay-at-home mom for so long that I feel both guilty and excited to get deeper into writing.

This means that I desperately need to create office hours for myself and focus on one thing or the other. Only then, will I find the solution of a happy balance between motherhood and writing content for my blog and, eventually, writing for clients.

Beating myself up over the past:

We all make mistakes, humans are not perfect no matter how much we try to pretend we are. We all do things that we are not proud of. As much as I have grown, that doesn’t mean I haven’t made mistakes in my past; things I said or did that I’m not proud of, or “overreacting” to things that I would confront others with.

Thinking about your past is supposed to serve as a lesson to implement in your future. You cannot take back what was said or done. You CAN apologize and rebuild relationships. You CAN heal your inner child so you stop making people in your life (including who you are today) but living in your past does not serve a purpose.

Photo by Heidi Kaden on Unsplash

You are allowed to be hurt, angry, and sad about things that have happened to you; especially if it was caused by trauma. You are allowed to distance yourself from people who have hurt you. You are allowed to end relationships with those who no longer serve your life.

You are not allowed to hurt other people because you are hurting. You are not allowed to use your past to excuse your abusive tendencies. You are not allowed to stalk people from your past because you are angry with them.

You are allowed to be free of the mistakes made, you are allowed to heal, you are allowed to start over.

My personal solution to this is to forgive myself for what I didn’t know back then. To realize that these things are consuming me and taking away from healthier thoughts. Not only am I choosing to forgive my own mistakes, but to let the thoughts of what others did to me consume and trigger me anymore. This is easier said than done – so for starters: I’m not going to look into what people who are no longer in my life are doing. I’m not going to reach out to people who have been cut out. For the deeper pains, I will look into therapy booklets or see a licensed therapist if I need a little extra help.

Not allowing myself to learn:

I have this unrealistic mindset where I have to immediately be good at something or I beat myself up over it. This caused stress in things that I should have been enjoying like reading books, playing video games, and writing.

I have a fear of being embarrassed but the real problem is that I’m scared of not looking experienced. The solution to this, like I mentioned before, is to learn how to improve and practice, practice, practice.

Seeking validation for my life:

How many of you are living off of what other people want of you? Maybe it’s your kids, partner, parents, or society. But here’s the big secret that nobody wants you to know:

This is your life and you’re allowed to live it how you want to. As long as you’re not hurting other people. Choose the career you want, live where you want, love who and what you love.

I don’t want to purchase a huge fancy house that we can’t afford. I don’t want to put my kids in public school and never see them. I don’t want to work for another person who can abuse, manipulate, and dictate what I do with my life: if I can be sick, call out for a family emergency, or go on vacation. It’s all crazy.

I used to wonder what was wrong with me. What kind of member of society doesn’t follow the script that has been shoved onto us since being born? I guess me.

I choose happiness and seeking validation and permission for the choices that I make in life isn’t doing that for me. I’m not going to waste another day of my life doing what others tell me is right, or wrong,

The solution is to kindly tell people that I appreciate their concern, but that this is my life. I will remind myself that being happy is more successful to me than being rich or famous.

Conclusion

I never want to pretend that I have everything together at all times. I’m not someone who wants my blog and social media accounts to advocate for positivity while steering away from the negative parts of life. We all have bad habits, some we face head-on, whereas some we refuse to look at. I challenge all of you to look at yourselves and determine what bad habit you are holding on to. If you’re comfortable with sharing, let us know down in the comments.

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Resources Used

Dean, Signe. “Here’s How Long It Really Takes to Break a Habit, According to Science.” ScienceAlert, 9 June 2018, (originally September 2015) (Link)

2 responses to “From Sabotage To Self-Love”

  1. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so welcome, Olivia!

      Like

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