Opening your eyes underwater can cause a lot of discomfort; it’s blurry and your immediate instinct is to shut your eyes. But, if you go underwater with goggles, it’s a whole new experience.
Having goggles will change everything. You can look around and see more than a blurry mess, or the burn of chlorine if you’re in a pool, just by using this simple tool.
It feels like this whenever I have an epiphany. This blog post will talk a little bit about the latest that I had, after a trip to my parents’ house.
Raising My Three and Me presents… the deer who helped my clearing.
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Okay, time to go back to the content!
I recently spent the weekend at my parents’ house. When I was there, I had a lot of silence. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I would look at the clock for weeks and see the number sequence of my hometown. I would panic, so worried about so many things.
I was wondering if I was moving up north (that fell through) and I was stressed about moving into a trailer a whole hour on top of the hour and a half from my parents’ house, which also isn’t happening.
According to my husband, I was acting funny while there. I was quiet and he was worried. I have been sluggish for weeks now; which is the same cycle as it has been for a long time. He kept asking what was wrong and I just didn’t know how to answer. I have known something was off for weeks, months, even and I just didn’t know what to say.
I stared out the window of the bedroom that I spent my childhood in, looking out into the yard where I built memories of making nature soup with my brother, playing sardines and manhunt with my cousins, the family events, the birthdays, and everything in between. I saw the version of myself that would sit outside in the sunshine, a glass of ice-cold lemonade, scrawling poems on a lawn chair. I fell in love with reading and writing there. I saw the girl who fell in love and had her heartbroken. I saw the girl who graduated with so much potential. I saw a girl with creativity, passion, and family.
Above all, I saw the version of myself who was happy.
And honestly, I wanted nothing more than to cry. I tear up every time I have to leave. I feel like I will never experience “home” like that. I feel envious of my brother getting to still see our parents every day. I feel sad that my children are not growing up in such a beautiful location. I feel afraid that my parents are getting older and I’m so scared of losing them.
Society paints this picture that children should hurry up and get away from their parents as soon as possible. We are all afraid of ending up “that thirty-year-old living in our mommy’s basement” and our parents are afraid of dealing with the responsibility forever, or the judgment that they failed to have their offspring leave the nest.
Or worse, leave and then come back.
But here’s the thing, friends, it’s a fucking hard world out there. I did not sign up to work so hard that I never see my children. I didn’t sign up to fight with my parents as a kid only to desperately miss them when I left home. I didn’t realize that I would feel hurt that my children will not be able to see their grandparents every single day or the pain I would feel seeing my kids play where I used to. I don’t want to live far away from my parents but everywhere around where they live is quadruple the money over here but the ride is getting to be too much on me as well.
I didn’t sign up to wait to miss my parents for when they die.
My parents are almost both in their 50’s. That scares the shit out of me. I feel like I will never have any time with them and that the time we have together is limited. I miss being able to see them every day. I miss being able to step outside and breathe. I miss them and I miss me.
I’m not doing good mentally here at this apartment. I like the size and the layout… but the area sucks. I like having my own space but living closer, if not sharing a space with my parents again, would be beneficial. We would be able to pay off our debt, help them out, and actually have a family unit, I would be so happy.
I would hope that we could have a healthy relationship this time without power struggles. I would hope that we could spend our time together until the end of their time with us. I would hope my children got to actually form a relationship with them and not have to wait a month or two to see them again.
I can hear my time with them ticking away, and it gives me such a panic attack. I’m so afraid, shattered, and sad.
It was Monday morning and we had stayed an extra night because I wasn’t ready to leave. I was walking around like a zombie with this intense desire to solve this problem that I was having. That was when I saw the deer; it was only embedded in the curtain, but it made me remember the time I looked out the window during the roughest time of my life (which will be a story for another time) and I felt like she was there to guide me. Everything lined up the second I met eyes with the deer on the curtain, the sunrise outlining her. I saw everything clearly and it was a huge relief wash over me.
I truly believe that the deer is my spirit animal.
Because the moment I saw her back in 2018, I finally felt like I wasn’t alone. I felt the same way when I see butterflies (my grandmother) whenever I need help. It can be “hogwash” for a lot of people, to believe in something other than what they are fed. I’m not one of those people anymore.
I like spiritual stuff like this. I need to be able to go out in nature without being disturbed. I believe in the Universe, signs, spirit animals, Tarot, and astrology. I love checking on my horoscope. I’m in tune with my instincts and I’m really good at knowing the future.
It’s pretty scary to not feel like yourself. It’s pretty scary to not feel safe in the place where you sleep or feel guilty that your children may be under your own roof but it’s a glorified cage. It’s pretty scary to hear domestic violence outside of your door. It’s pretty scary to just deal with nasty neighbors and share my space after what I grew up with. It’s annoying not to be able to bring my kids outside because of vandalism and I’m truly afraid to raise my family here.
But really, I just want to be home.
I can’t call their house my home anymore. I can’t call my apartment home either. I’m not moving so there’s this limbo of not belonging.
I just miss being home in a place where I could sit outside in the sun. I miss being able to talk to my parents about my day. I miss making fun of my little brother and protecting him. I miss playing video games next to my younger brother. I miss staring at the mountains to know the weather. I miss hearing the peepers and crickets instead of screaming and cars driving too fast up the road.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, my husband, our three beautiful daughters, and our handsome cat – but I do know that I miss having a home.
Maybe someday I will find it. Or maybe someday I will end up back in that yard, seeing my family daily, and building memories with my next generation.
That’s it for me today, as always, thank you so much for visiting my blog where I share bits of my life of raising my three and me. If you liked this, feel free to “Like” or leave a nice comment. I would love to get to know you!
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I’ll see you in my next post. Goodbye for now.