Raising My Three And Me

The unfiltered thoughts and happenings of a married SAHM

Rethinking My Why

I have been blogging for seven years and after realizing how boring writing for companies is, I learned that it was time to go back to the drawing board and rethink my why.

Why I started a blog in the first place:

I decided to create my first official blog a few months before I had my first daughter. I was fascinated by mommy vloggers on YouTube and I wanted to do the same stuff. I wanted to share my journey as a mother.

But the internet made uploading feel too long; honestly, the camera scared me.

So, I decided to make a blog instead. I loved writing and enjoyed being able to look back on things that had happened. I loved having my own space where I could write about whatever I wanted without worrying about people I knew making fun of me for it.

It was like an online journal and I loved it.

What I have struggled with the most:

Besides feeling unsafe due to continuously being stalked by people who don’t like me and having to change names, and platforms, and going on multiple hiatuses with no changes something I struggled with is that I’m blogging wrong.

And knowing that what I loved was the wrong way was hard.

That right there really messed me up. Once I got a taste of people loving and reading my blog, I got sucked into the numbers game. It would hurt every time someone would unfollow me. It would hurt when I was proud of a post and nobody read it. It would hurt when I would struggle writing about something. It would hurt that I didn’t even feel safe writing in something I created.

I felt afraid, stupid, violated, and annoyed.

Above all, I felt like I was not good enough.

I tried it their way:

I have tried it how I’m supposed to. I was heavily active in the blogging community and was completely drained two hours in. I would research how to get better with writing. I bought a better camera and learned the basics of photography. I started using stock photos.

I would feel dirty every single time I would embrace someone else.

I felt like a fraud, an imposter like I looked in the mirror and couldn’t recognize anything.

I started to loathe writing and became obsessed with staring at my statistics. I would tell my husband how a post did. I would continuously market myself and feel like shit. I would research and I was exhausted.

I am not a perfect person, I’m not.

I have an optimistic and caring side where I’m sweet as a peach and I write inspiring and helpful posts.

I also have a pessimistic and dark side where I’m as bitter as a lemon and upload dramatic and painful pieces.

I’m not fake, I just have two different personalities that live in my body, and some days I operate as Christina, and then other days I operate as not Christina. I’m starting to learn more about that side of me and embrace her. I have no idea if this is normal or just something different, but the more I run from it the scarier it is when she takes over.

I have been going crazy trying to fit into a box that I never fit into in the first place. I know my writing is impactful, and people love it, but I don’t love having to write for the reader – I’m sorry but I don’t.

What is going to be changing

I don’t know if I can really keep calling this a blog since everybody tells me a blog is for readers only. I need to stop worrying about that because I will never make money from my writing and you know what, I’m beginning to realize that that’s okay.

As much as I love the privacy of writing in a journal – classic paper and pen – I realize that there’s something freeing with letting strangers stumble upon it.

I write to express myself and document my thoughts, experiences, and at the end of the day, I didn’t start a blog for other people, or to get famous, or to share how-to articles.

I didn’t start a blog to water down my thoughts to make it easy for readers to digest in a digital age where content is at the tip of someone’s fingers. It’s overwhelming to be on the internet with all of the bits of things to consume; it’s no wonder we are all stuffed with nonsense.

I started a blog to remember my journey as a mother. I have since added two more beautiful babies.

I wrote about my journey as I fell deeper in love with the man who gave me a baby and that shift of being a girlfriend to being a wife.

I wrote about my pains, my happiness, my ideas, my plans – and sometimes it can be easy to get caught up in wondering if I’m good enough.

I’m going to continue this space as a way to freeze time and write about what is on my mind. I want to write about books one day and how I figured out I was in love the next. I want to write because I want to write and not because I think readers will care.

It’s okay if you decide to leave now.

I will be writing how I feel is right and if that’s not a real blogger does – with all do respect go and find one.

No niche, no pressure, no schedule, just a person who is raising my three and me.

Final Thoughts

I didnt’ write this post to hurt anybody or be mean. I wrote this because I’m tired of releasing “sorry I haven’t been posting” I’m tired of being active on social media. I’m just interested in writing because I love it and love to look back on it.

Maybe I’m not a blogger. Maybe this is my online journal.

That’s okay, too!

Sometimes you have to take a step back and rethink your why. Why did you choose this path? Is it what you want? If not, it’s time to rethink what you do want.

That’s it for me and I’ll see you next time. 🥰

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