The world is heavy. I’m starting to wonder if it has always been; I feel like I have slipped underwater, eyes firmly closed shut, and desperately kicking back to the surface. I wonder if I have just been blind far too long. I have this constant, overwhelming anxiety that something bad is about to happen. I’m afraid for my children and feel guilt consuming me like a forest fire for bringing them into this shitshow of a world.
I watch as the days melt into each other; the wax of yesterday still pooled over, hardened up to see what today can add.
Life feels daunting.
Life feels crazy.
Yet, like most odd happenings in life, I feel like I can (almost) see clearly. I feel as though my intuition is reaching its peak – the Mount Everest of my existence.
The storm clouds of a bad mental health patch are turning into relatively clear skies.
It all turns into this, the stress enforced by others is not mine to carry.
You read that right.
I’m somebody who used to try to be the healer, the helper, the person who wanted a bunch of friends but when I take a look back – I was always trying to prove my worth to somebody. I was working overtime to get good grades in school. I was trying to be the best daughter, sister, cousin, and niece to every member of my family. I was trying to be the best girlfriend to every boy I “dated” in high school – saying I loved all of them when looking back, I didn’t love any of them during our relationship. I was trying to be the best friend, wondering why it was like managing a romantic relationship.
I was always terrified to be left by someone instead I lost myself.
What other people think of me is not my burden to carry. What society wants me to do with a life I didn’t ask for is not my burden to carry. What social media says is a perfect relationship is not my burden to carry. What person my family and friends want me to be is not, you guessed it, my burden to carry.
When you stop to think about the kind of person you are – the whole game changes.
None of us asked to be born.
We are all watching how our parents, guardians, or peers live. We either want to duplicate or divide away from it.
I have made some bad decisions. I’ve made some good ones. I am not what others, including my fear, label me. At the end of the day, I have never gone out of my way to be malicious to someone. I know I have been snippy, made choices that have hurt others, and written about people in the past. But I’m not a horrible person. I’m a healing person. A person who is learning who I want to be.
There have been many people who have hurt me; said and done nasty things to me, but holding on to this anger and pictures of these people is not my place. What these people have done to me does not make them bad people – whether or not they feel guilty and have grown from their choices and decisions. Not everyone is ready or willing to change.
Their life is none of my business as long as it does not interfere with mine.
I don’t need to pretend I have the perfect marriage, children, home, job, or life to be worthy.
I’m a grown woman and I’m allowed to make my own decisions and I have to deal with those consequences – including the person I shift into from the opinions of others. I have combusted and risen from the ashes more times than I can count. This blog has changed more than I can count.
I’m different than you and you’re different from me.
That’s okay. It really is.
Our lives are our decisions and our choices and you’re allowed to be different and to be yourselves. As long as you’re not actively hurting other people, it’s nobody elses’ business.
Take a look at your beliefs and make sure they match up with your values.
We are all only on here for a limited amount of time, do what you want with it and stop drowning in what society is telling us to do, think, and be if we don’t want to live that way. That may sound preachy but it’s something that has been on my mind.
That’s it for me today. Thank you so much for reading and for being here.
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Bye for now. 💛